WHY I FEEL LIKE A DISAPPOINTMENT

Something I have been working on since I started treatment for my mental health is to let go of what I believe others expectations of me are, and focus on being me, being “enough”. I am always seeking approval from anyone and everyone. To my credit, I do find it easier to stand on my own two feet and realise that not everyone is going to validate me, and not everyone needs or wants me to offer the same to them now – but sometimes the old habits creep in and cloud my judgement.

This need to make others happy though can be incredibly bad for my own mental and physical health though. I have this desire where I need to be a great patient, the best! I want to heal quickly and be successful, to make my doctor feel as though they have achieved something too. Don’t get me wrong, I want to heal for me too, but a big motivator is to bring a sense of accomplishment to the other person too.

I feel horrible at the moment, I feel like I am letting my pain specialist down, because each time he treats me, it fails. It really seems so silly as I write it out in black and white, but there is a deep sense of failure that hovers over me, telling me what a terrible and frustrating patient I must be. There is a feeling of taking up valuable time that could be spent with someone who will respond better to treatment, someone who will be a success. I feel like I must be such a disappointment, someone who nothing works for, someone who never seems to get better or have any wins.

So I lag behind when it comes to making follow up appointments, feeling guilty that I’m going to go and tell him that I’ve failed again, I didn’t get better, my pain didn’t go away. I feel bad for taking up his time, for being in his office when someone who might need it more is missing out on the appointment because I am taking up the time.

I must learn to move past this feeling and to recognise that my pain is important too, but the guilt is so cloying!

End Note: Please let’s be clear, this is on me; my Doctor is lovely and has never made me think once that he considers me to be a lost cause.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. jill says:

    I so relate to this desire to please. I have cancer and all I think about is letting my daughter down because I am sick and my job and … I am not a very good patient . Why do we feel this way instead of respecting our own needs?

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    1. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so hard when we have this feeling isnt it! I know you are worthy of the time your doctor gives you, please believe it too! XX

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  2. I wish I had the words to say to make you feel better, but I realize the only person who has the power to change the way you feel is you. Did you cut your wrists? Did you hit yourself in the headmen with a hammer? Did you shoot yourself. No, you did not. You did nothing to cause this pain- this is not something you chose. It is not wrong to be in pain whether you are in physical pain or mental and emotional pain. This is not your fault- it is not anyone’s fault- not yours, not the Drs- there is no one to blame. You are the person God created and designed you to be. Look around. We are all flawed. We hide behind our masks and our smiles but believe me when I say- we are all flawed in one way or another. Please Read the Bible – Psalm chapter 139 and Romans chapter 8 and John 3:16,17. God loves you just the way you are and He can help you change the way you think about yourself. A good therapist can be of great help to you. Start writing positive affirmations about yourself and read them every day. Only you truly have the power to change the way you see yourself. You can do it.

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  3. Cindy Kolbe says:

    Kat, I understand a little of the guilt you feel, about letting others down. And how pain makes everything feel hopeless. Sending best wishes and hoping you find relief very soon!

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