I don’t like to make plans.
I am not a fan of thinking too much about the future, which is ironic, since I worry incessantly about everything and anything, including the future and all the ways things could go horribly and irrevocably wrong. What I mean though is, I do not like to make plans for the future, I don’t want to give consideration to having an itinerary for my life.
Once I used to be a “list person”, you know the kind I mean? The person who has a dot point brief for everything, nothing left to chance, all contingencies considered. It was exhausting, and frustrating (mostly for other people). But these days I break into a cold sweat at the thought of making a list, writing things down feels so final.
I have lost my self confidence, my ability to presume that I can keep my word if I say I will be somewhere at a certain date and time. I feel as though my life has become very uncertain, that things tend to go awry when I try and be proactive and focus on the future.
Making plans means that I get frightened and horribly anxious. I am sure that the moment arrangements are made something bad will happen and make it impossible to follow through, letting people down makes me feel incredibly guilty.
It might not be terribly logical, but I prefer to try and surprise life and see what kind of nonsense it can make up without having specific plans to mess over. I really hate to make plans, thoughts of the future worry me too much.
Anyone else feel like this?