My heart is broken and bleeding. I am sick to my stomach and feel a sense of horror and dread, I want to stop the world, I want to get off it with my little family and find somewhere that is beautiful and where we can be alone.
I did something I know I should not do, I read the news today. I cannot understand how people can be so horrific. I knew by the headlines that what I was about to read was going to be tragic, but I could not help it, I read the stories and looked at the photos. My heart bleeds right along with the parents of Manchester.
Such horrific stories, terrible stories about children being murdered by some disturbed individual while they were innocently enjoying their lives. I just want to be sick. It is incomprehensible how anyone, no matter how passionate about their cause, can kill innocent children, deliberately targeting a place where there would be hundreds of them.
There are times when I feel like closing my eyes to never open them again – but then I know I can’t, to do so would be selfish on so many levels. I need to stay here to try my best to protect my own children from anything like this. They are so precious, and every day when I drop them off at school I have to just try to always trust that there are good people there who will protect them. I admit to scoping out their teachers every year and quietly assure myself that these lovely women and men would put their own lives on the line to save the children in their care.
Every day when I drop my children off at school, or if they go to visit friends, I make a bargain with God, a prayer that He will keep them safe while I am not there to do it myself. As a mother, my greatest fear is that one day I won’t be there to protect them when they need it.
It would be bad enough if today’s happening was a rare occurrence, but unfortunately, in this world, horrible things like this happen regularly. Once it was rare to hear of a child being targeted in violent crimes, but in recent years it seems to be daily news. There is so much horror, so much fear. There is no vaccine that can make any one person safe, from the first world to the third, people suffer terribly every second.
I’m determined to give my babies a better life than I ever had, to keep them safer than I was kept – but I am fearful that I can’t, I’m so scared of messing them up with my own mental health issues, of hurting them emotionally in some way. But more than that, I am terrified, absolutely terrified that I will not be able to protect them from being physically harmed by some sick and twisted person who seems to get their joy from inflicting pain and terror on others.
I am so scared that one day they will go through the things I did. I catastrophize about so many things, but admittedly most of them relate to needing to have control and be able to stop the bad things in life from happening. Protecting my family from harm, from pain, from hurt, sickness too, it is almost all my focus, the rest is on trying to keep myself safe from ever re-experiencing the same kind of pains but to a much less extent.
The tears are coming now and I just don’t know how to stop the images that are flashing through my mind. I know that I should get up and make myself a cup of tea, but the irrational desire to hide in my wardrobe or under the bed and escape this world for a while is so strong I can barely ignore.
Normally when I feel this way I would tell myself that I need to practice acceptance of the things that are unchangeable – to realize that if I cannot do anything to change the circumstances or the outcome, I must let it go.
But how do you, as a decent human being, accept the unacceptable.