Honor. Noun: The quality of knowing and doing what is morally right. Synonyms: Integrity, honesty, uprightness, ethics, principles, noble, virtue, goodness, decency, fairness, justice, faithfulness.
Most living creatures have some sense of honor, a personal pride of doing what is right and fair and just. I have it, you (most likely) have it, but my mother does not. That is not to say she is bad, but she lacks the empathy to put herself in someone else’s place and try to think what her actions will mean to them, her perception of fairness and honor is skewed by her need to be right. I have become fully convinced that my mother is suffering greatly from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she is not a bad person, but she is unwell and unwilling to admit that she needs to accept help and change.
I want to write about my experiences with this manipulation and the pain it has caused me.
So much of my mental illness is tied up in emotionally abusive situations that she has placed me in, the things she did nothing to help me through, the nurture that I had to give instead of receiving. My lack of self confidence, the inability to set myself healthy boundaries, my anxiety about displeasing others are all deeply rooted in my relationship with her. But my own sense of honor makes it impossible for me to do this, to betray the woman who raised me the best she knew how by talking about our dirty secrets.
Even writing experiences I remember in my private journal, words that are just for me to read, feel like a betrayal.
I feel envious of a friend who is able to talk about the damaging relationship she had with her own mother, and that in itself makes me feel guilty. Her mother has passed away, by feeling this sense of anguish am I wishing away my mother’s life for my own selfish desire to heal?
Honor is a tricky thing, we all want to have it, it is the very fabric of our society. Honor among families holds them together, stops the dirty secrets from leaking out, but those dirty little secrets can poison us and protect the wrong people.
I feel poisoned to death at the moment by my own sense of honor and integrity, but I have no way of seeking out the antidote.