My first thought this morning was rather poetic, even if I do say so myself. As I opened my eyes, and listened to the settling of our home as the morning rays started to creep over the hills, I thought “And yet, still the sun rises”.
It seemed like an odd thing to think; even to me, the thinker of all things odd. Last night was yet another night of frightening dreams, drenching night sweats, and random stabbing pains through my body that had woken me several times – I admit that waking up and seeing a sunrise didn’t really feel like much of a win. The thought of the days going on sometimes seems more of a threat than a promise.
As the day goes on I know that my mood will lift and the nights terror will fade away – but this morning I didn’t want to open my eyes. I did not want to see another sunrise. I just wanted to slip peacefully into nothingness, to stop existing, to no longer fear what I’ll find in my sleep, to not feel the pain, or wake up tangled in my sheets in a panic.
I am tired. Not as tired as I have been in the past, but I am tired. I feel run down, my body is out of kilter, my mind is the most peaceful it has ever been, but it is still drained. I am in desperate need of a holiday, but not the kind of holiday that people think of, I need a holiday from myself. I need a break from the never ending job of trying to heal. It is worthwhile, and it is rewarding, but it is exhausting too.
There is a constant battle to redirect your thoughts and feelings, the constant dread of failing and falling back into the pit of depression. The push to keep going forward and challenging yourself to do more things, to introduce new facets into your life, or even just to return to normal activities. Socialising, working, organising your life, normal things that you used to do without thinking about them.
For me there is also the awareness that this tiredness and frustration comes back to a perfectionist streak I have. I want to be healed already, I have not met my timeline – it doesn’t matter that I know the timeline I set was irrational and impossible. I expect more of myself.
Anyone who believes that recovery is simply taking a pill and becoming happy instantly is very misinformed. Recovery is not linear, there are ups, but there are downs too, and then there are times when you go along fairly steady for quite some time – for many of us there is no end destination, it will be a constant journey for the rest of our lives.
So yes, the sun rose today; it will rise again tomorrow. Each day is a fresh start and a new chance to try again despite the challenges it may bring.