KNOWING WHAT WE ARE UP AGAINST CAN BE HALF THE BATTLE

There is something that can be very hateful about labels, the stigma that comes with them is not helpful to anyone and can sometimes box someone into a corner. Not everyone wants, or even needs a label, often I think that people should be just allowed to be different and quirky without being put into a category.

But sometimes and for some people, a label is important – it helps us to cope. Knowing that there is a reason for your symptoms whether they are emotional or physical, or both, can help you to make sense of what is happening to you. It can help you to select the right treatment plans and to understand and guide yourself on the hard days. Knowing what you are up against can help to keep you strong, it is often half the battle, putting a name to the creature that is attacking you.

For example, being diagnosed with P.T.S.D. was such a comfort to me. That probably sounds so incredibly silly, who wants to have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? No one! But the diagnosis made sense of all these complicated emotions and even physical symptoms that I’d been experiencing for years. Being told that I had severe anxiety was also a relief, I knew I had depression, I knew it was bad and that I was struggling with suicidal ideation, but I did not know I had anxiety. Another label, another name, it didn’t cure me but what it did do was give me the knowledge to understand why I felt like I did. Learning I had P.T.S.D. and Anxiety Disorders helped me to cope with the distress they caused, distress that I never understood before.

Being diagnosed with Occipital Neuralgia was another comfort. It made sense of the intensity of pain my headaches were causing. The same with finding out I had Adenomyosis after my hysterectomy, and previously having confirmation of Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovaries after exploratory surgery. These are horrible painful conditions that no one would ever want to have, but when you have been dealing with pain for years with no confirmed diagnosis you start to question your sanity. No name for your ailments makes you wonder if you are imagining them, no test results that label what is wrong makes you worry that you are broken beyond repair.

Not having answers can be soul destroying. 18 months ago my Doctor suggested that I may benefit from seeing a Rheumatologist, she suspected that I may be diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, possibly Chronic Fatigue. It took nearly a year for my appointment to come around and by the time it arrived we were not in a position to pay the $400 for the first consult, so I cancelled my appointment and never got a diagnosis confirmed or rejected.

Last night I was laying in bed at 3am, unable to sleep. Every joint was aching, my ankles, knees, hips, elbows, and wrists were the worst there was no position that felt comfortable – even laying flat on my back, immobile, was painful. My skin felt raw and inflamed, as though every nerve ending was on fire. The smoothness of the sheet felt like sandpaper, the heaviness of the blanket hurt. My forearms and shins felt as though they were burning, the irritation is almost unbearable.

In the quiet of the night I can hear my breathing, it sounds labored, strained. I try to release my painful body by tightening my muscles then relaxing them while focusing on calm and deep breathing, but instead my anxiety starts to build more and more. Frustration. Fear. Tension.  I question what is wrong with me? Why? Does it have a name? How long will it last? Is it temporary or is it going to last for the rest of my life? The constant exhaustion. The incessant aching. The night sweats. The feeling of raw nerves and tender joints. The hypersensitivity to pain (Stub a toe? Possibly faint!).

My mind is crying out “Help me. Diagnose me. I need answers.”, and it sounds ridiculous, but right now being given a label would help. While my GP’s suspicions should be enough for me, without a confirmed diagnosis from a specialist I can’t help but keep worrying.

A label, or a diagnosis would not heal me, but it would help because then I could say to my mind on these nights “Shhhh, it’s Okay, it is just a bad day. You’ll be okay again soon, you just have to get through it.”.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Simone says:

    Shh 🤗 It’s ok my friend. You’re having a bad day.

    You WILL be okay again soon – I know it. I believe it.

    You just have to get through it. You WILL get through it 🤗

    😘

    Like

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