Here I am today, writing about not being able to write. The irony is not lost on me. There are at least three topics that I desperately want to share stories on, but every time I start to write, the words just won’t come. They are stagnant and boring, not full of the passion I would normally write with, not flowing from my heart.
I don’t know why this is; maybe it isn’t the right time to share these stories with the world, or even to put them down in words just for myself? Maybe it is the headache that is sitting in the back of my skull numbing my cognitive function? Maybe I am just feeling a little lost? So many reasons I could think of if I was to sit here for longer, but who can tell which one is right. Possibly it is a jumble of them all.
There are a lot of things going on at the moment so it is hard to focus on just one thing at a time, this could very well be the reason behind my writer’s block. I’ve not slept well this week, staying awake until after midnight each night and then waking every hour or two thereafter from bad dreams or horrible drenching night sweats.
It upsets me greatly though when I can’t write about the things I feel passionate about – the thoughts start to build that I am a loser, and can not do anything right. I feel as though I am stupid, dumb, incompetent. It can be hard to stop those thoughts from spiralling out of control and pushing me into a deeply negative frame of mind – one where I begin engaging freely in negative self talk, hate speech against myself. I become frightened, because I have lost my voice.
Life isn’t linear and neither is our recovery. Bad pain days, sleepless nights, stressful situations, and the like can add to the burden on our healing brains and leave us feeling numb and flat. I am focusing on that knowledge and reminding myself that just because I can not write easily this week does not mean that I am going backwards, or that I am not as intelligent as I was last week, it simply means that my mind needs to rest.